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| "I wanna squeeze your thighs,
I wanna kiss your eyelids
And corrupt your dreams.
I wanna crash your car,
I wanna scratch your cheeks,
I wanna make you sick"
This song has been revolving around in my head for the past four days. It's one of those things that is either totally serious, or so layered in its irony that it's absurd to think you can decode it. In any case, this song, and this whole album, touches something deep and primal inside of me, an area I haven't ever explored on my own because I hate it.
Hm. It would seem that we've stumbled across a dead end there.
You know, for it being the holidays, everyone seems really downtrodden. I suppose I could be projecting my own feelings on everybody that I see, but then why is it that I only feel so down because everybody else seems to be that way too? Am I even making sense right now?
Another thing, that old saying that you reap what you sow? Totally not true. I haven't been expecting anybody in the world to treat me the way that I treat them, you know, giving them all my money or anything else I might have that they want want want need need need, but it seems that even though I do all I can, nothing gets better, for me or them. My friends are sad, and I'm helpless to change it. It's like filling a hole with dirt that you're getting by digging another hole.
So my last hope for humanity feels dangerously close to crumbling into dust I fear. If she fucks him, I know that a big big part of me will die. But even if it happens, I'm sure they'll be sneaky enough to hide it. Oh, it makes me want to vomit so much. Just the thought... What is it with me? Why am I so damaged? Why do I hold onto "purity", whatever the hell that word might mean to me? I must still be stuck on my fantasy of the If You Die So Will I kind of love.
...But that's how I always feel when I fall for people. I mean, I always fall in love with every girl I see, at least a little bit. Studying the angles of their faces, the way their hair swishes with each step, the texture of their skin and the sound of their voices and the vibrant life in the colors of their irises... All seems kinda stalkerish, doesn't it? Yet these things capture me and make my knees weak and my vocal chords freeze up in most cases. I can't even keep eye contact, and when I try to smile at them I know it comes out as a frightened grimace. I'm so damn awkward, but she seems to think I have a magnetic personality. I can't fathom it. When I really fall for someone though, it's that all encompassing bordering-on-obsession kind of love that makes me fucking miserable because it's always pining from afar. I'm trying to give up on that sort of thing too but... Oh who gives a shit. Life is miserable. Merry fucking Christmas.
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| Hm. Three years ago. Interesting.
So I've been writing songs like mad, confined to this one dusty corner of my basement with my instruments. I have four finished so far, with something like three more half-finished, and countless other ideas bouncing around half-formed in my brain. Two of them are recorded and sound kind of okay for all the more time I put into them. I've gotten over some of the hatred of my voice, though no, I haven't stopped smoking. Most of the reason I hated my singing was because I didn't know my range. I still don't really, but I'm working on it. Perhaps I will set up a myspace account for my music soon.
Nothing else left to say. So it goes, so it goes.
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| I've finally realized something. I'm free. I am totally and completely free.
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| Well happy fucking congratulations
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| And so, with a grand total of three songs(two of which are instrumentals) finished for it, I have decided to call the next CD I put out Detachment Therapy. The first song is called Ern Malley's Blues, the lyrics of which are as such:
And she said "if you've got any melodies pent up in your chest just let them out before they dissipate"
And you said "it's not so easy to sing my dear when the whole world seems to bring me down"
If you always argue and fight well you're bound to be proven right.
But will you say "I told you so" to yourself in the mirror?
The morning after you realize there's nothing behind your eyes
and the sallow skin you live in is just an elaborate disguise
you've gone and left yourself for dead but you're still alive my friend
now go enjoy it while you can.
And she said "If you've got any memories left inside your head well don't let them drown in all your misery"
You're giving me answers to questions I haven't asked, you think but don't say, what's the point anyway?
And it's that attitude that makes everything so much harder for you.
you need something to change your views, something that I can't give you.
And she said, "if you've got any dreams left in yer heart please baby get out of this town
It'll suck you dry, and I'll wonder why you never took any of my advice.
You always look so down, and I hate to see you wearing that stepped on frown
And I know you want to live too, at least as badly as I do, but do you? Do you? Do you?
I know you'll say that we've got plenty of time to live and explore this world.
And all I have to say to you brother, is maybe we do and maybe we don't.
And that's all I'm going to reveal until the CD is finished. Which will probably be like a year from now. Lame, right?
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